A Quick Note

I wish that I did these blog posts more often, but it’s hard to get around to. I’ve mostly been busy with work and personal projects, which are some things I should actually try to write about on here. Maybe tomorrow or Thursday? Next Tuesday? Bring back Turtle Tuesdays (they were a thing ages ago on an old blogspot page I had).

Anyhow, you might have stumbled across this random new post. Yes I’ve been inactive for almost a year now, but a lot of things have happened. I really do mean a lot. I mean in my personal life, not so much the general issue of COVID-19 overtaking our daily lives. So, what’s with the title, you may ask? Great question!

That’s what I would say, if it were a good thing. Though it is, it’s been met with a lot of challenges.

Story Time

You see, since the post in May 2020, I once again realized that I shouldn’t have come home again. Kind of a hindsight thing, but even at the time I felt unnerved about being back with my parents. I had been with them for almost 9 months and things were okay, but still not great. Though all of this is more about my father than my mother.

I stayed with them until one fateful day at the end of June.. or was it July? Either way, I had enough of putting up with my father. I couldn’t do it anymore. That specific day he wanted me to do something, which I did and complained a bit, sure I’d admit. However, it wasn’t called for when he started making remarks about extra work I had to do with the task at hand. He originally wanted me to pick up some branches from the driveway and then told me to snip their limbs off. His comments got worse and more annoying. So I gave up on the task and told him to do it if he didn’t like how I was doing it. He threatened to cut off my internet access. Sure that shouldn’t be a big deal right (Spoiler: it is*)? I got fed up and packed my car.

I packed it while my father brought my mother to work. Grabbed everything I could. My desktop, VR gear, clothing, anything else I thought was important or at risk. There came the point when I was about to leave and my mother came up to me. She told me because of what I had been doing, they were discussing divorce. I knew it was bullshit, but I also wasn’t entirely sure. She’d threaten him many times during my childhood and it never happened. Still hasn’t either.

Right before I got outside to my car, they stopped me in the garage. They essentially pleaded I stay. I could pay some rent and get unlimited internet access and not do chores. I straight up said it was not even worth it. I had enough. I left.

I told them I got a hotel, which was a lie. Went to tell my mother the truth at her job. I planned to go to Virginia. My friend had told me I could come stay with him and his family–which I’m not even kidding–was a bit stressful at times, but I can’t even thank him enough for what he did. My mother got upset, called my father who said I could screw off and I just shrugged. I hugged my mother and at this point both of us were crying. I didn’t really want to go, but I genuinely had to. Home wasn’t a good place for me.

I wound up getting a talk from her coworker to ask my sister if I could stay with her. She said I yes, but only for a week. I had to look for apartments in the area. To keep that short, it came and went. I had to persuade her and my brother about going to Virginia. I couldn’t find a place in Pennsylvania in time, even if she let me stay longer. There were a lot of.. concerns, though I managed to be confident in what I was doing. I made it to my buddy’s place late that evening.

I stayed with my buddy for several months. It was genuinely.. difficult. Again still grateful as all hell for it, though. Unfortunately I had a few bad encounters with my parents during this time. I’ve mostly kept a good relationship with my mother, even if it is difficult due to my father. She at one point was mad because.. well.. she misinterpreted something my buddy texted her about not worrying about me and some other things.**

I can’t forget when my father decided to e-mail me. I had blocked his phone number this entire time. He went off about being kicked off their health insurance effective January 1st and other things, like car insurance. Yeah it wasn’t fun***.

Eventually, I got my own place. In fact, it’s a condo. He was the one who found it. It’s actually funny because it’s right behind his place. Kind of funny–my mother wanted me to save up for one, although she also urged I stay in New Jersey. It’s really nice with two bedrooms and bathrooms. Decent sized kitchen and living room. Mortgage – at least compared to New Jersey (when I rented an apartment after leaving the first time) – a lot cheaper. I’ll have been here for about two months on the 28th. My parents don’t even know, either.

* My main form of contact with a lot of my close friends are online. It wasn’t even the first time he’d done it. He not only threatened, but even paused the connection. Also he “permanently” paused everything but my desktop. My raspberry pi, nintendo switch, nintendo 3ds, and probably other things. He was able to because of Google Mesh or whatever it is. I got around my desktop being paused with a MAC address changer. It was hilarious when he asked why there were multiples of my desktop name showing up. Everything else? Used the Hotspot feature on Windows 10 and connected them to it. The future is now old man.png.

**My father thought my friend would take advantage of my higher income status and I really think that’s dumb. If anything I would offer to help them.

***I also have to do my taxes this year without any broker or whatnot to help. I was missing my bank student loan payment info and asked my mother to find it for me. This was because I thought they got it mailed to them, but it wasn’t. I got it. Anyway, my father e-mailed me rather rudely about how I shouldn’t be trying to use his broker person and I’m completely on my own. In turn I just wrote back, expressing the sheer amount of annoyance he brought. I wasn’t even trying to do whatever he thought I was. I even said to not contact me ever again.

Post Mortem

Well not everything can be sunshine and rainbows. It sucks, really.

I wish I could say going to therapy would help, but I kind of gave up on it. I tried it for a while, but it just felt like an endless cycle of repeating myself to the therapist and getting nowhere. Though.. I could switch who I talk to. I just worry that once again I’ll be talking and nothing will happen or come of it.

I tried to better myself in other ways like exercising, but through video games like Ring Fit Adventure. It kind of works, but I still lack the proper motivation and such to keep going.

I think the hardest thing for me right now though is work-related. I think that situation should be improving properly now, thankfully, but it’s not as improved as I want it yet.

Looking back at it all–I was so stressed at home. I could tell because when I showered and washed my hair, it was falling out. If that’s not stress-related then what is? I was also quite depressed. I can say it wasn’t anything considered harmful, but I kept a lot of this stuff bottled up and in the back of my mind. I don’t know how I even got myself through those days. I do believe, however, that perhaps someone else in my exact situation likely wouldn’t have made it. I’d rather not think that way or about it, but.. I think it’s a reality to look into.

Once again, I can’t thank my friend enough for letting me stay with him. I was given an opportunity to leave Hell and I took it. Nobody else that I knew was even willing to let me stay with them, let alone as long as I had. We’ll continue to be right next to one another with both good times and bad, I’m sure of it.

My mother.. I haven’t spoken to her in a while since that thing with the taxes. I’m not sure how to approach her. My anxiety thinks my father said something to have her not talk to me, which is a possible situation, but hopefully not. I care about her and I do miss her. I wish she knew that, although she probably knows anyway.

My father? I’ve just really been trying to forget about him. It’s kind of hard, but not in a good way of course. He’s abused me emotionally and psychologically. While a lot of it could be considered minimal or stupid, I still can’t forgive him for that. It’s happened numerous times over the past four years, probably seven if I count the last three of University. In essence, it piles up and.. at this point it should make sense what I’m getting at.

Next Up

Come Tuesday, I think that I’ll go over the progress of my novel and talk about LÖVE Potion a bit. I really want to talk about the latter in detail, but I dunno where to start. Maybe I’ll do a Q&A on the Discord to get started.

Until next time,

Jeremy S. Postelnek