The Trouble of Sleep

Well, to start I need to update my status about how things are going overall. I did kind of promise to do more "Turtle Tuesday" type things and summarize the month at the end. That's clearly going well.

Jokes aside, however, I'm doing fine. I got to see some of my university friends back in July for a quick visit. That was fun. I also got to see my friends from high school. Though really, the best part was being able to see my mother.

It was definitely a tough thing to do. It had been months and I rarely communicate with her. However, I had asked her to be sure as to whether or not I would be allowed to see her at her job. She allowed it and needless to say, it went well. Kind of.

For starters, I asked if she was in the pharmacy (as she is a pharmacist). I was asked if I was her son, and agreed of course. She opened the door and I just couldn't help but cry. I missed her a lot. Probably more than I even realized and she knew it, she missed me too.

We had a discussion regarding me coming back home to New Jersey, although.. I had to tell her I couldn't. Pretty sure I mentioned last post how I have my own place now and all that jazz. So I had to tell her. She pleaded a bit, but I had to straight up tell her that I am mortgaging this place and it's not rented. I had to find my own place as per my father's wishes, so.. yeah. She also wanted me to have dinner with my father, but I tried my best to be polite and decline because I'm keeping his supposed rules in place, That bridge has already been burnt and there's zero percent chance of repair, honestly. He was also not feeling well or sick, so that was another reason to not bother.

The last thing I want to probably briefly touch on, but not explicitly talk of.. because I'm uncertain about it. I've been thinking about certain things of late and probably not comfortable about talking to specific people about it yet. I think the biggest issue for that is mainly about whether or not I fully agree with the idea. I've been trying to try things regarding it, but it's a mixed bag in a way. Plus trying to talk to my siblings and such about it would definitely not be my priority as my anxiety would not like that. It never would with anyone regarding this.

The Sleep Stuff

Background

You know, this is the most god damn annoying thing that keeps happening to me. These, as I call them, "sleep seizures". I can't confirm if that's what they are, either and my current neurologist doesn't/didn't believe me about it. So this part serves as an explanation and gives some context.

Back in roughly 2016 or 2017 I began to notice something weird with my sleep patterns. I didn't think about it all that much and as a result likely just thought nothing of it. However, as time went on these became more of a semi-frequent issue. All I knew was that I would wake up exhausted and felt a bit horrible, at least mentally. Like I said already, I had tried on several occasions to tell my neurologist, ask on Reddit if applicable (on something like r/epilepsy), but never got any answers.

Eventually, I had figured something out to the issue and when it would happen. This is where the pretty scary stuff comes in. I hate it so much, but I have no idea if there's anything I can do to either diagnose it or anything.

What is It?

Then I would fall asleep, right? You lie down in bed and just knock out. Except.. we're gonna go on a bit of a slope. Please note that I am basing all of this on my epilepsy as the root issue. However, I also do not fully know if it is the cause.

My epilepsy consists of nothing but a short burst in the frontal lobe are of the brain. If I'm not mistaken, in English, that's just the front of the top of your head area. They are quick like a lightning strike, but they trail off just as easily.

Now, when it comes to falling asleep, it's a bit different. I'd still get that feeling where something is happening to the front of my head, but it doesn't seem to go away. This causes me to fall asleep during the episode and leave this.. buzzing sensation going on for some time. It also leaves me in a half-awake type of state in the sense that while asleep, I am fully aware that I am asleep. It's kind of confusing, but trust me it makes sense if you think about it a bit.

Once half-awake or whatever you might call this, I can actually think what I want, Majority of the time it's legit, "ah shit here we go again" and "I need to wake up".

Quick recap: epileptic seizure going on, lucid awake(?), and able to think properly. No, I am not dreaming this all up.

When I manage to wake up, I have a chance of entering a state of sleep paralysis. This isn't any fun either because it's a 50/50 on me actually being awake as in eyes open. Hell, I don't know if they do open, but since it's usually night time when this happens I can't see a single thing and it's pitch black in the room. During this time of suspended.. time I either fully snap out of it or I have to scare myself awake with something. Just imagining some creepypasta-based stuff is good enough for me, though sometimes it hasn't worked and it takes a bit longer to get out of.

In the end of the sleep paralysis (or lack thereof) I wake to find myself extremely exhausted, more mentally than physically. My movements are sluggish, my brain has no thoughts and I refuse to return to sleep. Though, another thing: sometimes my body decides I haven't had enough and I fall back asleep almost immediately--and once more I have potential to run the cycle.

Sleep Apnea

One of the things I foud out about two years ago is that I do in fact have sleep apnea. I won't go into details, but basically you have issues breathing in your sleep. There's different reasons per person.

I do have treatment for this and I make use of the machine nightly to ensure I get a proper night's sleep. However, this only came about because I would wake up tired as hell for work. Didn't look good if I were to fall asleep during work either, but even if that did happen cough it was medical reasoning and at the time I couldn't do anything about it.

Hypothesis or Whatever

See, the thing is that sleep apnea is supposed to prevent issues while breathing during sleep. Epilepsy can be triggered via things like shortness of breath, for example. I recall doing EEG tests where they would have me purposely emulate hyperventalation. It wouldn't exactly set mine off, although I would get light headed. I might have just been bad at doing it though, who knows.

This leaves me with the idea that the sleep apnea may be causing the epilepsy--which it itself might have its own subcategory when I sleep. I've looked into these before, but neither make much sense to me. Specifically tonic-clonic seizures or myoclonic seizures. Although interestingly, there are progressive myoclonic epilepsies. These do sound a bit more accurate, but my main concern is about time.

I often try to know what time I fall sleep for the night in the event this happens. The reason being is that tonic-clonic seizures are.. well, deadly. Apparently these should only last from one to five minutes and anything longer should be a 911 call. I find myself waking up from these for a much longer duration than that. For example, last night I had an episode that lasted from 00:17 until 00:57. Although there was a break between them even if it was brief. So while that is fourty minutes, it might have been about two twenty minute ones.

Needless to say, I don't know if I'll get a proper diagnosis about this anytime soon and it sucks. If my sleep episodes are at all related to my epilepsy, the best I can probably do is keep taking my mediccation. Even that, however, doesn't always prevent it. Nothing's ever entirely preventable I guess, but as long as you can do something to prolong an issue from happening, it's worth it.

Stories

I know this is getting lengthy, but this last part might be optional to a lot of you unless you want to be spooked. I hate recalling these scenarios, but it's whatever.

One

There was this time when I still worked for Sonic back in probably 2016 when this started or partway through, dunno. At the time I was waiting for my bed frame to be replaced because my parents were going to get rid of the old one I had and so I had to sleep on the mattress on the floor. That afternoon I had to work, but was tired, so I went to take a nap. I climbed onto the mattress and shortly after fell asleep, but I also had one of these episodes. Part of what I mentioned was me trying to wake up.. well some scary stuff is that given it was light out and I was trying to wake up from it, I saw one of my hand just kind of spasming in place, so that wasn't traumatizing or anything, nope.

Two

I often recount this one as a big issue for me because I think it contributed to memory loss of some kind. The breakdown is this: I fall asleep, problem happens as usual, but I woke up in a dream. I dreamt that I sat up in my bed, although I couldn't see anything. I was exhausted as usual and just went back to sleep only to then wake up under the kitchen table with my blankets on me. I was highly confused, still couldn't see, but slept once more. I finally woke up in the dream once more to me trying to make my way to my parent's bedroom and tried to speak and shout to them for help since I still couldn't see a thing. I fell. Then the darkneess overtook me once more and there was some kind of ring formation made from cloth. It pulsated and eventually began to shrink and something felt really off. It got so small and right before anything else happened I actually woke up this time. I gasped for air, unable to think or remember anything for roughly 15 seconds. It felt like a lot longer at the time, though.

I couldn't remember where I was, who I was, nothing. For that whole small duration. I did slowly remember things afterwards and started with the basics. What's even more creepy is probably the fact I didn't remember needing to go to work and my body just did. I got in uniform, to the car, and drove. Didn't know where I actually was or anything, but knew I had to go to work for some odd reason. I did realize after a bit when I was nearly at work where I was, but it's still weird.

Three

This is the last one that I remember. Much like the first story, fall asleep, etc. Except my right leg was raised and I don't really know how I knew at first. My head was buzzing like crazy and I figured I should put my leg down since it shouldn't be like that. This was a mistake. Moving my leg even the slightest bit made that buzzing sensation even worse. I don't even recall how I woke up from that one.

There's also the time where both my legs were just kicking in the air (again this is something I could feel through my brain). Which that was weird.

Conclusion

Long post, but worth it. I needed a way to firmly document this somewhere and not just on my phone, for example. Maybe someone will stumble across this and help, I dunno.