Things On My Mind

Well, it's been about seven months since I last posted anything on the blog. I think it's time for another update. Unfortunately some bad things have happened, but some good comes from it. I've been mostly holding out on this because I don't want people to see my blog, read a bunch of negativity, and then be like, "Oh they do nothing but post negative stuff all the time!" Yet you, the reader, may then catch yourself, "I'd not think that about this!" Hopefully people are more of the latter. The blog posts have been something of a space where I can speak my mind. A place to pour what I feel into words where I typically fall short most of the time. If that happens to be a lot of these posts, so be it. Anyhow, onto the updates.

October 2021

Several months ago was the last time I posted. Yet that was also the last time I spoke to one of my friends whom I met through VRChat. There's a whole god damn rabbit hole about why, particularly from my other friend's Twitlonger. Though I haven't spoken much about it, at least publically. On my side of things, all I did and wanted was to care about a friend, but they seemed to take advantage of it.

In post-mortem fashion, I've found that they were just a manipulative person and it absolutely sucks. The constant attention-seeking attitude they have and how easily they can lash out at another person was horrifying, to say the least. I had tried to help them with their problem of being attached to people frequently and yet all I got was a blank affirmation. To clarify, essentially going in and out of relationships as short as a week and as long as a few months, only to then find someone else shortly thereafter. I care about my friends and every breakup they had I would be there for them. Again, unfortunately, I had been playing into their hands. In the end, they got back with an ex of theirs (who they themselves complained to me about). When I asked why (and told them it was a bad idea, which could be argued as wrong to do, but I don't think it was) they agreed, told me it wouldn't last and tried to act like it would be fine. This was the last straw for them. I'd already grown tired of consoling them multiple times and severed the friendship.

Since then, I've realized all the things they had said to me was just fodder. They called me their "bestie". When I first heard that from them, it felt completely empty with no emotion at all behind it as if it were a mere label to just slap and give anyone. They claimed they care about their friends, yet all they seem to do is either shove Twitch bits at them (as most of them stream) or completely collapse and remove everyone from being friends and ignoring them. Don't get me wrong, I understand what it feels like to be depressed, they had mentioned to me personally that they are. However, it still does not justify things at all. Regarding the Twitch thing, it feels like it's genuinely just a way to keep these other people happy and not leave said person's side. I doubt that many of them actually think that way, but from an outside perspective that's what it looks like.

Of course, I can't forget the fact of how dumb and childish it was once I had unfriended them. It ended nicely, or so I thought. I found out the next day that my other friend, Jay, had been banned from their Twitch chat (I don't know if it's still the case, but it doesn't justify anything anyway if they are not). Subsequently, I checked and I was too. They even blocked me on Discord (presumably, though a status such as "true friends don't unfriend me, if they do I block them" kind of states the obvious here).

Late November/December 2021

This one is a bit of a pain to talk about. Particularly because there's a particular bunch of people who think they understand things and decide to phrase words as though they know what they mean. If you're that person who I'm talking about, I want you to genuinely read through this section. I'm going to be putting all the thoughts about this on paper (virtually). This is not a matter of who is right or wrong. It's not about making people look bad. If telling the events and facts of the story make that person look "in the wrong" or whatever because of their actions.. well.. ¯_(ツ)_/¯

If you read this post from last March then congrats, you have context. If not, eh, you probably won't entirely need it. The "tl;dr" is I had once more had enough of dealing with my father and "moved in" with a friend (who I shall denote as "Friend A" or "A" for short) who lives in Virgina. I eventually got my own place in January 2021, which is really nice.

This is the story of more stupidity than is necessary. There's a bit more context, so I'll be jumping around in time a bit here.

The Intro

I began to stream on Twitch (again) in July of 2021 after a long hiatus of not having anything to stream. In July, though, I wound up streaming actual games instead of live coding. I'd stream playing VRChat, Tomb Raider, or whatever else is on my Steam library. IT's fun and gives me something to look forward to during the week. Multiple times, before I had gotten my new place (and even when I did have it), my friend would need to go to the store to buy stuff for dinner or just get me out of the house. It's not the worst thing in the world. If the time overlapped with streaming, I'd merely have to cancel that night and wait for the next time I'd stream.

So, finally landing here in December 2021. Friend A and I went out early in the day to go to the hardwood store so he could fix his couch. I bought dinner after we finished that trip, dropped him off at home, and then went back home myself and then went to eat dinner.

The Argument

Shortly after, Two of my friends (let's say B and C) wanted to play Phasmophobia (which is a pretty fun game if you haven't heard of or played it). I was scheduled to stream that night, so I figured why not ask if I might be able to stream it? They were up for it, which was all cool. Meanwhile, Friend A decided to poke me really quickly on Telegram (or via Discord? Text message? I can't recall, especially text message as I don't have that phone anymore since I changed carries that month). He was asking, "Hey could you come over to test the couch?" I replied that I could, should I have time left before I streamed that night, which was in 30 minutes.

A few minutes (I think around 10) passed; I was still in the middle of eating. I recall thinking, "Well, wait, why do I have to help test this? His kid is the one who broke [the couch]." I messaged him asking this. Some more minutes pass and the response was, "It has to be you," if memory serves. This confused me, so I again asked, "Though your kid was the one who broke it. If you can't have him sit on it, why not the other one?". The reply was, "The other kid is too lightweight to even do anything to the couch and it requires two people." (emphasis mine). Deeply confused, I pressed again, "What about you and your wife? Both of you are clearly grown adults who could sit on this couch to test it." I was waiting for a reply, and I can't recall if I got one, but it was probably, "It has to be you." Regardless, it was now I believe 7:45 after some waiting. I messaged them saying, "Well, whatever, if I have time after I finish eating, I'll help you."

Stream time came, 8:00pm EST. I had just finished my dinner a few minutes prior and typically when I start, I do it 5 minutes before, so 7:55pm. This is purely a waiting buffer to have people join before I actually start. Friends B, C, and myself all hopped into the Discord voice chat as we started to play Phasmophobia. About 30 minutes later, Friend A pings me, "This doesn't look like streaming" with a photo of me in voice chat with the other two. I replied, "If you look up in the conversation histroy, I asked to stream Phasmophobia with them and this is how we play the game."¹ Once that interaction with Friend A ended, I felt a bit uneasy, but that's because I don't usually like confronting people unless I really feel it's necessary.

Since that happened, the following days and weeks of me trying to talk to them were awkward. I was essentially chatting with a brick wall, much like how this meme shows. I decided at one point to just leave Friend A alone for a few weeks.

An Alternate Route

I went out shopping one day and finally decided to check up on them. Initially I tried to message as if everything was okay, like nothing happened, but I was once again met with no responses at all. I even asked, "Is this about me not helping with your couch?" and got nothing. Thus, I had to make some decision on what to do.

Once I got home and settled down, I messaged his wife. I checked in with her, since I wanted to make sure they were okay since their youngest's class was exposed to covid. She told me everything was fine, they were just stuck in quaruntine and it "was kind of hell" (my words, but accurate). I then asked her about why Friend A was not answering my messages, what I could have possibly done wrong.

I got a message stating he was still mad about the couch situation and I was annoyed. I don't remember if I said anything, but I do recall that she expressed her annoyance with him being mad about the couch and she was also mad about it. This is going to be paraphrased, but: she told me that the whole thing was stupid and I should have just helped regardless and canceled the stream because "you only get like two viewers." She then further noted that, "when you [TurtleP] want something done, it has to be immediately done, but if he [Friend A] wants something done, it has to wait." That was not true. I then requested to get my spare house and car keys back, as I felt like I couldn't trust Friend A at that moment with all the tension going on.

There had been multiple times where either of us wanted something done, but the other said it would have to wait. There have been times where either of us have basically forced the other to do something when they wanted it done. For example, on days when I didn't feel like doing anything, Friend A would force me out of the house even though I didn't want that.

It particularly bothered me that I was basically being told how I was a shitty person for not doing something I was asked (even though I didn't guarantee it).

I'd done a lot for them while I stayed with them, which I reminded her of several things. Somehow, later that afternoon when Friend A found out about that, he pinged me in Discord (which I left that server after that because I didn't want to deal with drama). I found out from a friend who was there, from a screenshot, that Friend A thought I was complaining about the things I reminded his wife of, that I had done for them and decided to refute all the points I made. Which makes.. zero sense.

Knowing he did this in public instead of in private also pissed me off quite a bit. This was something between us, why bring it in where everyone else can read it? It serves no purpose other than spilling beans (or chili in this case) everywhere to "look better," especially with how it was handled.

Confusion & Annoyance

Another few weeks went by, and another friend was asking me to rejoin the Discord server in a semi-public server chat. I wasn't sure about it. I felt uneasy and it would be awkward. Then the topic of the situation came up, to which Friend A jumps in and says.. whatever they said and someone legit had to tell Friend A off and take it to direct messages because it wasn't for public consumption.

That conversation happened, which was a wild fucking ride, let me tell you. Imagine knowing someone for two years. They know all the bad shit that's happened. Suddenly they act like you've lied about all of that as if trying "to play victim." Yeah, I was being told that I wanted to play victim here and get everyone on my side, which.. never was the point?²

Yet, when I finally rejoined that Discord server, I didn't know how to feel except nervous. I didn't expect to be pinged by Friend A at all. Every time they did, I just didn't answer because I wasn't sure how to reply. I also did want them to talk to me about the whole argument thing and come to good terms, if possible, but that wasn't going to happen either. Some weeks later, people ask why I'm not replying and then Friend A thinks I'm being petty. I don't get it myself, but whatever. I had to reply at this point and explain why I've been not replying. I get faced with responses about why it was bullshit and it made my feelings about the whole thing invalid.

Eventually there comes a day where I was trying to ping Friend A. I got no reply, but thought nothing of it. I continued to do whatever I was doing elsewhere. Then another couple of days go by. I was in my friends list on Discord reading some messages with people and scrolled by Friend A. Out of curiosity, I right clicked their profile and it said "Add Friend". This was essentially the final straw and I left the server once more.

In that conversation when I first rejoined, Friend A made claims about not wanting to "rekindle a friendship" and how "he doesn't care about {whatever}". Yet he'd post a message in a Telegram group chat we share, very obvious things that had to do with me. One being the new green iPhone 13 that came out, or even a link about Sleep Apnea stuff. You could argue that it could have been anyone, but I have high doubts.

Conclusion

In conclusion, yes, this whole thing is completely stupid. Like I mentioned before the whole story, this isn't about who's right or wrong. This is about detailing the events of what happened as factual, not opinion. It is wholly up to you as the reader to decide what to make of it. This isn't some kind of "petty move" either, so please don't utter those words.

I also don't know if one person³ in particular was speaking on behalf of Friend A regarding them not replying when I pinged them the one time, but they aren't a mind reader, so if that's what Friend A had said, and quote, "He didn't respond to pings because you have a "do not engage" message pretty clearly" I find that stupid. If I did have that, I would have made it more obvious, I think. Even if I didn't Friend A acted like nothing happened once I had returned, invalidated my feelings, and then things went "back to normal" from there. That is to say, we actually chatted like normal, even though I didn't like that.

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¹Granted this is a bit backwards, but it was for when someone died in-game. You can't hear others talking when they've died. Sure, it spoils the game a bit when someone can unmute and then say "oh yeah the ghost spawned over at {location}", but whatever. Not the point.

²Their claim was purely based on the fact that I "left out" some key information about why he was mad. The only thing I left out (which was on accident; but I also didn't think was even important) was about him asking me to help before streaming.

³If said friend is reading this, stop trying to be a mind reader and stop throwing words (e.g. calling me petty) around like this. I get trying to think about it from an outside perspective, but the more I've tried to understand what you say, the more it feels like it's just what Friend A said and not someone else. If the other people in that Discord server that we're both friends with are in agreement about this statement, show me proof, but even then, I think they're plain wrong.

Present

Now that all of that's out of the way, some better things to talk about. Soon, on the weekend of the 14th, is my sister's wedding. I'm quite excited for it, even if I can't express that properly. I've got my suit ready and hopefully it'll be a good time. Supposedly our father isn't going to the wedding now (family-related drama because he's a god damn child), so maybe I won't need to see him there. Whether he's there or not, I think I'll be able to manage.

Streaming on Twitch has become quite fun. There's some times where I feel like I can't keep going, of course. Though that's because the chat doesn't really.. engage. I might have like two or three people, but only one of them speaking. It's a whole process. I try to make the most of it, though, because I want to do it for fun and knock off games that I want to play from my Steam library.

I've also made a slight bit of progress on my novel, so there's that. Nothing significant, but it is progress at least.

Overall, though, I'm a lot happier, I guess. I've met awesome people who support me and do care about me, though the term "Best Friend" will scar me for some time. I've decided that if someone tries to call me such (or variants (and seriously)) that I will punch them in the throat (not really, but still).

I do, however, want to make note of the people that I've met the past few months (and I guess years?) who I think really do care about me and I care about them (in no particular order):

• jjsvqz
• weird0_lover
• Kallisata
• *anime_noises*
• StaringOnly
• lexvi
• Dax
• Crumbsy
• Uzume
• Umi
• AuroraTears
• Zack1118vc
• Emaki
• Phazonic Ridley
• Glazed Belmont (aka Glazy)
• xnoe
• Garuma
• Jay_Saw
• Cryptic
• Zacyntho
• Blannk (aka Bob)
• Jman (aka Predster)
• piepie62
• emymin
• Power
• Tyto
• GiantTrailBiker
• Oatmeal_Addict
• Wolfgang Fangs
• Percy_creates (aka Percy)
• AFS (aka KIP)